Finding Peace in Holiday Chaos - Part 2
Expectation:
Think Hallmark Christmas movie. Everybody wearing their pretty color coordinated outfits. The house flawlessly decorated with no room left untouched. The snow falling gently outside on cue with a blanket of white on the ground. Estranged family members come together and make up. Years of wounds are healed in one day. Everyone sings songs around the piano or carols through town and the day, not to mention the season abound with joy and love.
Reality:
The kids are having tantrums over wearing their cute Christmas outfits and they’ve spilled on them before noon. You didn’t get the response you hoped for when your loved one opened the gift you spent hours searching for. Maybe family changes such as divorce or death have changed who is around the table this year. Or tiptoeing around conversation of polarizing politics between family members is more stressful than a day at the office. And when the long day concludes, you feel no more joy or love despite all the work you put into the preparation.
Many of us have this idea of what we would like the holidays to look like or what we think it “should” look like, based on what we see in the holiday movies and commercials.
Reality check - Life is not a Hallmark movie. Let that sink in.
Now, don’t get me wrong. First, I love a sappy Christmas movie (or any Christmas movie for that matter) and can be found watching them from Thanksgiving to New Year. Second, I am not a cynic or a grinch when I say that a Christmas movie is just that, a movie.
However, we often set our expectations to these standards that we see on TV, holiday cards, and social media. We hold ourselves to these standards based on factors that are out of our control. We are not plucked out of a casting lineup and set up with the perfect companions who will fit into our life perfectly. We are raw, messy, humans with flaws and imperfections. We have dysfunctional families and past traumas that impact how we interact with one another. And sometimes, even a snowy white holiday with a picture perfect meal in a decorated home, can’t hide that.
Well, now you ask, how do I go into the holidays with that grim picture painted?!
Manage your expectations. You do not have to face the holidays with doom and gloom but acknowledge the reality of things not going as planned. Balance hope and anticipation with realism and acknowledgement of real life situations occurring. (It does not have to be all or nothing!) Mentally preparing ourselves for this reality can help it to feel less of a letdown or a catastrophe when the inevitable something doesn’t go as anticipated.
Reframe thoughts and find the positives. AKA don’t sweat the small stuff. Okay, so the turkey was a complete failure because Cousin Eddy’s wife totally overcooked it till it was dry as the bone itself. That will be a story for years to come, hopefully bringing more laughter than tears. The kids were overtired after not getting their nap and we might pay for that tomorrow, but the smiles on their faces when they opened gifts was priceless.
Set boundaries. Mom won’t drop the topic of when you are giving her grandchildren? You can decide what conversations you engage in and what is off limits. You can leave a conversation that feels inappropriate or uncomfortable. You can voice to others what is okay and what is not okay in how you are treated (what comments are said about your weight, your parenting choices, your career choices, etc.). Be respectful but firm in voicing what these are for you.
Manage expectations. Again. After the holidays gatherings are over, take a breath (or several) and reflect on the day for what it was. A good day with memories made or a sad and lonely one…either one does not set you up for the next year. It’s a moment in time to treasure or mourn, or learn from but does not need to dictate how you go forward. Tomorrow is a new day.
With peace for you this holiday season,
Anna
